How to deal with Shame: Realistic & Practical

I have used the title How to deal with Shame: Realistic & Practical intentionally.

Many articles speak about “overcoming” shame as though it is something you can completely remove, defeat or leave behind. That framing can create another standard to fail at. When shame returns during criticism, conflict, rejection or vulnerability, you may feel that you have not healed properly or tried hard enough. There is unrealistic expectation on how to deal with shame in most literature.

That is not the approach I take.

By “realistically,” I mean learning to understand shame, recognise when it is influencing you and respond to it without automatically abandoning yourself. The goal is not to promise that shame will disappear forever. The goal is to reduce the power it has over your decisions, relationships and self-image.

Realistic progress may look like noticing a shame spiral earlier, setting a boundary despite discomfort, asking for support instead of hiding or making a mistake without turning it into proof that something is wrong with you.

Shame may still appear. The difference is that it no longer has to control what you do next.

Shame is one of the most painful beliefs a person can carry. It does not simply tell you that you made a mistake. It tells you that you are the mistake.

You may hear shame through thoughts such as:

• “I am not good enough.”
• “I am not worthy of love or respect.”
• “There is something fundamentally wrong with me.”
• “If people knew the real me, they would judge or abandon me.”

When these beliefs remain unchallenged, they can shape your relationships, career decisions, boundaries and sense of identity. Learning how to overcome shame is not about forcing yourself to think positively. It is about understanding where shame came from, recognising how it operates and gradually building a safer, more supportive relationship with yourself.

This blog is written by Abhijit Shankaran, a certified life coach and mental fitness enabler. He is also
a content writer and digital marketing expert.

What Is Shame?

Shame is different from guilt.

Guilt is usually connected to behaviour. It says, “I did something wrong.” Healthy guilt can help you take responsibility, repair harm and make a different choice.

Shame attacks your identity. It says, “I am wrong.”

Because shame affects how you see yourself, it can influence almost every area of your life. You may constantly question your decisions, minimise your achievements or assume that other people are judging you. Even when something goes well, you may feel that you do not deserve it.

Shame can become so familiar that you stop recognising it as a learned belief. It begins to feel like the truth.

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Where Does Deep Shame Come From?

Shame often develops through repeated experiences of being criticised, mocked, compared, rejected or emotionally neglected.

Parents, relatives, teachers, friends and other influential people can become the mirrors through which a child learns to see themselves. When those mirrors repeatedly communicate disappointment, ridicule or rejection, the child may conclude that something is inherently wrong with them. Unfortunately, not many understand how to deal with shame in their own lives because of the lack of mental health awareness at the time and on many levels today as well.

In many Indian families, criticism can also be presented as motivation or concern. Statements about academic performance, appearance, marriage, career choices, gender roles or family reputation may be normalised. Even when relatives believe they are helping, repeated comparison and humiliation can leave a lasting emotional impact.

Shame can also develop through bullying, discrimination, controlling relationships, physical abuse or other traumatic experiences. The World Health Organization notes that individual, family, community and structural conditions can either protect or undermine mental well-being.

The problem is not simply that someone criticised you in the past. The deeper problem is that you may have learned to continue their work for them.

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How Shame Causes You to Abandon Yourself

Shame acts like an internal gaslighting system.

It teaches you to doubt your feelings before anyone else can dismiss them. It encourages you to reject your needs before anyone else can call you demanding. It can make you sabotage an opportunity before someone has the chance to reject you.

This may appear as:

• Remaining silent when someone crosses a boundary
• Avoiding opportunities because you expect to fail
• Choosing emotionally unavailable partners
• Hiding parts of your personality
• Overexplaining ordinary decisions
• Apologising when you have done nothing wrong
• Rejecting compliments or minimising success
• Believing that rest must be earned

Over time, self-abandonment can feel safer than the possibility of being abandoned by someone else.

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People-Pleasing as a Shame Response

People-pleasing is one of the most common ways people try to cope with shame.

You may focus on keeping everyone happy, even when doing so exhausts you. You might say yes when you want to say no, take responsibility for other people’s emotions or avoid disagreement at any cost.

Underneath people-pleasing is often a painful assumption: “I must be useful, agreeable or easy to love. Otherwise, I will be rejected.”

People-pleasing may protect you from conflict temporarily, but it gradually weakens your connection with your own needs. You become highly skilled at reading everyone else while remaining disconnected from yourself.

Overcoming shame therefore requires more than improved confidence. It requires learning that your needs, limits and preferences are valid, even when someone else dislikes them.

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Why Positive Affirmations May Not Be Enough

Positive affirmations can be useful for some people, but they rarely heal shame on their own and are actually one of the most counter intuitive ways to deal with shame.

Telling yourself “I am worthy” may feel hollow when your relationships, workplace or home environment continually communicate the opposite. Affirmations can become a small bandage placed over an old and repeatedly reopened wound.

Healing requires evidence.

You build that evidence when you keep a promise to yourself, communicate a boundary, leave an unhealthy situation or ask for support. You create it when you stop laughing at jokes that humiliate you and stop participating in conversations that diminish you.

Your nervous system learns through experience. Each act of self-respect gives you evidence that you no longer have to abandon yourself to remain connected to others.

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How to deal with Shame in Everyday Life

1. Learn to recognise the voice of shame

Notice thoughts that attack your identity rather than addressing a specific action.

“I handled that conversation poorly” is a reflection.

“I ruin everything because I am defective” is shame.

Naming the difference creates emotional distance. Instead of automatically believing the thought, you can observe it as a familiar pattern.

2. Ask where the belief came from

When you think, “I am not good enough,” ask:

“Who first made me feel this way?”

The purpose is not always to blame someone. It is to recognise that a belief can feel deeply personal without being an objective fact.

3. Create a healthier environment

Healing becomes difficult when you remain surrounded by constant criticism, mockery or emotional manipulation.

Review your closest relationships, workplace dynamics and family interactions. Consider where you need clearer boundaries, less contact, more privacy or stronger support.

You may not be able to change everyone around you. You can begin changing how much access their judgement has to your identity.

4. Practise self-support through action

Showing up for yourself can mean:

• Saying no without producing a lengthy excuse
• Resting before reaching complete exhaustion
• Expressing discomfort when someone disrespects you
• Asking for fair compensation
• Applying for an opportunity despite self-doubt
• Allowing yourself to be seen without performing perfection

Start with manageable actions. Consistency matters more than intensity.

5. Build evidence against the shame story

Keep a written record of moments when you acted with courage, integrity or self-respect.

Record actions rather than vague compliments. For example:

“I communicated my boundary clearly.”

“I asked for help instead of hiding.”

“I made a mistake and repaired it.”

“I expressed an opinion even though someone disagreed.”

These experiences challenge the belief that you are powerless, unworthy or fundamentally flawed.

Shame, Trauma and Mental Health Conditions

Persistent shame can sometimes appear alongside trauma-related difficulties. The National Institute of Mental Health lists ongoing shame, negative beliefs about oneself, self-blame and social isolation among possible PTSD-related mood and cognition symptoms.

Complex PTSD may also involve an intense sense of worthlessness, shame, relationship difficulties and emotional regulation challenges.

People with ADHD, autism or other forms of neurodivergence may also carry shame after years of criticism, misunderstanding, masking or being treated as difficult. However, shame itself does not confirm any diagnosis.

When shame is connected to abuse, trauma, severe anxiety, depression, self-harm, dissociation or significant difficulty functioning, seek support from an appropriately qualified mental health professional. In India, clinical psychologists are among the professional categories registered through the Rehabilitation Council of India. It is never okay to deal with shame in isolation because that is exactly what it needs to thrive.

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How One-on-One Coaching Can help you deal with shame

Therapy and coaching serve different but sometimes complementary purposes.

A qualified therapist can help assess and treat mental health conditions and explore trauma safely. A life coach focuses on helping you move forward through greater self-awareness, practical goals, decisions, boundaries and consistent action.

In my one-on-one coaching sessions, I help you deal with shame by we identifying shame-driven patterns that affect your present life and create practical ways to respond differently. This may include strengthening boundaries, reducing people-pleasing, rebuilding self-trust and taking meaningful steps towards the relationships, work and life you want.

The process does not demand instant confidence. It helps you practise choosing yourself, one decision at a time.

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How to deal with shame that destroys your self-image

Shame may have shaped your self-image, but it does not have to define your future.

Learning how to overcome shame means recognising that the harsh voice inside you may not have started with you. It also means deciding that it does not get to make every future decision.

You do not deal with shame by becoming perfect. You heal by refusing to abandon yourself whenever you feel imperfect.

If shame, people-pleasing or chronic self-doubt is preventing you from living on your own terms, one-on-one coaching can help you build a more supportive relationship with yourself and take practical steps towards change.

Book a one-on-one coaching conversation to explore what moving forward could look like for you.

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Finding the Found Program

The ‘Finding the Found‘ program is my flagship gentle 4-week life coaching program. There are 4 personalised 1:1 sessions, one per week. Each session focuses on each of the 4 stages mentioned in this blog – Awareness, Alignment, Action and Integration.

All sessions are held online. For offline sessions, please contact me, and we can work out a way to fulfil your request.

Contact me

Get in touch with me for a personalized life coaching journey. Sessions are held online/offline.
To get started, reach out to me. My contact details are below

Abhijit Shankaran
Bengaluru, Serves globally
(+91) 8939920025
abhijitshankaran@gmail.com

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